For some reason, I had this desire to hole up in my recliner and surf through people's blogs this evening. I have had a lot on my mind recently with just a couple weeks to go and wanted some kind of escape. What I got was something completely different. I came across a popular blog, that some of you know, Bring the Rain.
I don't think this story could have come at a better time. With so much left to do, I have strayed from the one place I have needed to be the most, my Bible. I can feel it in my soul, slipping away as I go through the days of the week. It's like a constant reminder in the back of my mind telling me the longer I stay away, the farther I'm going to stray. I keep having these little conversations in my head with God admitting to my absence and asking more or less rhetorically, when are you gonna get my attention again? It's like I'm trying to see how far I can push him before he says, Yup that's too far Sarah.
I was feeling, for the most part, that things were going as best as they possibly could, based on the circumstances. Today, however, I felt a shift. I felt like things may not work out as planned. I felt the doubt in the decisions I had, until today, thought pretty certain of. I know everyone has my best interests at heart and want only the best and to help in any way they can. That's what friends and family are for in times like this, and I certainly have an amazing group of people surrounding me. But what happens when you disagree with the people's opinions that mean the most to you? How are you supposed to handle that? I mean, I feel like I'll be letting someone down if I don't agree with how they think I should do things. I feel guilty for not wanting to do it their way. What does that mean? I'm completely and utterly terrified by the choices I am being forced to make. I'm not ready for this. Not in the least. I know it's all apart of the consequences that go along with my actions, but that doesn't mean it makes it any easier.
This brings me back to the blog I came across. For those of you that don't know, it's about the story of a baby destined for heaven from her mother's sweet womb. From several complications, her parents were told she would not live. I started from the beginning post, and read for hours, all the way through to her passing in the hospital. I read about the pain this family endured through only to know that she would never come home. I cried after almost every entry her mother posted. I sat here bewildered by her feircesome and unmoving faith in her Savior. To sit here and feel Ava twirl and kick like crazy and read about another woman's trial of losing her angel was incredibly hard to bear. I couldn't help but imagine being in her shoes and wondering how differently I would have handled that situation. Would I have had the strength to not only carry her as long as possible, but rejoice in knowing God has a plan for her that doesn't involve remaining in this world with me? I envy that faith and love for God. I want to be able to stand firm no matter what happens, knowing it's in God's hands and it is being done for His will. I want to be that person who can say, "I think that my Jesus is the same as He was before I walked into this room," even when it means losing something incredibly precious like a baby. I want to be able to make that statement that no matter what happens, He is always there and unchanging. I know this in my heart, but it's completely different when things aren't going my way.
The discovery of this blog I think has acted as more or less like a shockwave into my heart. I have felt things in my heart tonight that I haven't felt in weeks. I couldn't help but think about her story even after I was done reading. It added that weight on my soul that I needed. A reminder to not let the true desires of my heart slip away just because I feel too busy to take 30 minutes out of my day to spend it with God. I encourage anyone that hasn't already, to check out her blog
here.
